What does a wife do when her husband is apathetic and rejects and condemns her compassionate heart and acts?

One of the most difficult experiences in life is to feel rejected by the one person in the world whom God calls to accept you unconditionally as you both grow together. God designed marriage to be a place of refreshment and renewal. One of the primary places we learn to think, love, and serve like Jesus is in our intimate relationships. The more we know about someone, the more difficult it is to extend grace. If we can do that in our marriages, we can do that in every aspect of our lives.

Lesson number one for married life is to understand its primary purpose – to be a training ground to live like Jesus. We learn to love unconditionally, forgive, accept, tolerate, “turn the other cheek,” “go the extra mile,” serve, be vulnerable, laugh, cry, celebrate, and grieve in our marriages. As a result – it is designed to be the most gratifying relationship we ever have. 

Marriage is hard work – but it is harder if we make it about ourselves or our spouse and not allow it to be about Jesus and His Gospel being revealed to our kids and all who witness our union.

Now, what do we do when our spouse goes cold?

Jesus came to Earth to empathize with us before He died for us and forgave us. He lived in our “sandals” so that He could know firsthand the temptation we feel and how to remain holy in the midst of unholy options.

When we are not being treated as our spouse should treat us, can we do what Jesus did – attempt to empathize? Not excuse or ignore, but not judge and blame. In serving our spouse, we need to first attempt to see and feel what they do. Once we empathize with what may be the source of their hurt – if they are apathetic and condemning, there is a hurt there that is causing that defensive barrier to go up – we can better understand what our responsibility is and what is not.

This is important – if you are in danger, empathize from a safe distance. God does not ask anyone to remain in a place where they are being abused.

Next, ask your spouse to join you in a counseling session that you are going to because you want to better understand how to serve him or her. Authentically request they help teach you with the assistance of someone with an objective view. If they refuse, go by yourself. The goal is to serve them as Jesus did. Unfortunately, not everyone Jesus serves responds to Him in love. You are not responsible for the reaction you get but you are responsible for the efforts you initiate. 

Act in manner that is right and not in a manner that is self-protective or to initiate a preferred response. You cannot influence how someone chooses to feel or act. You only have control over your own feelings and actions.  Don’t gossip about your spouse or ridicule them with others. That will speed destruction. Don’t belittle them or shame them – that is a demotivator. It might make you feel better for a little while but it moves you and your spouse backward. Entertain the thoughts Jesus has for your spouse not the thoughts the evil one imposes – hate, bitterness, vengeance.

I can’t give more generalizations without the risk of poor leadership. Every marriage is unique and each person brings to the union specific and personal baggage. Engaging mentors who have had similar experiences is the best way to journey. If that is something you need – e-mail me and we can help you find one.

I pray that helps.

Scripture to learn from – (click on the links below)

Ephesians 5

Philippians 2

Romans 8 and 12